Tales of the Phantom and Co
by Righteous Llama
Summary: An incredibly random AU story where Erik, Christine, Raoul, and Meg are best friends that hang out around the Opera house. More detailed summary inside. No Raoul-bashing.
1. Pizza at the Lair

Summary: In some alternate universe somewhere, Erik, Christine, Raoul, and Meg are all best friends who basically just hang out around the Opera house. It takes place in the 1870s like the book/musical, but they also have some modern stuff, like TVs and hair straighteners and cell phones and stuff like that. These are just random stories that involve the four friends and the "situations" they somehow get themselves into. I'll take ideas for random, strange things to happen to them. No flaming, constructive criticism only, please (if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anthing at all). So...yeah. Enjoy!

I don't own The Phantom of the Opera, I'm sorry to say. I do own any OCs that appear in the story, though. Oh snap!

* * *

Erik is seated at his organ, composing. The gondola comes into view through the tunnel carrying Raoul and Christine.

**Raoul:** I got the pizza!

**Erik:** Did you remember the Italian sausage?

**Raoul:** Yup, got it all right here.

**Christine:** Is Meg here yet? We didn't see her coming down.

**Erik:** No, I thought she was coming with you.

**Meg (**_**in the distance**_**):** Crap, where's the boat? HELLO? ARE YOU THERE? SEND THE BOAT BACK, PLEASE!

Erik gives Raoul and Christine a look as they come ashore. They shrug, embarrassed. Raoul sets the pizza box on a table.

**Raoul:** She was late.

**Meg:** _HELLO?!_

**Christine:** One second Meg, Erik's coming to get you!

**Erik:** Must I do everything?

**Raoul:** Your boat.

Erik sighs, climbs into the gondola, and poles away to get Meg. Christine goes to get plates from the kitchen. Raoul eyes the organ, and is about to press a key, when—

**Erik:** DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THE ORGAN!

**Raoul (**_**thinking**_**): **_How did he know what I was doing?!_

**Christine:** I found the plates. Did you hear someone shouting just now?

**Raoul:** Uh, no. Not at all…maybe you should get your hearing checked.

…

**Christine:** I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that.

**Raoul:** Yeah, me too.

Erik and Meg sail through the tunnel on the gondola and dock at the stony bank. They climb out and join Raoul and Christine, and pizza is distributed among them.

**Christine:** Compose anything lately, Erik?

**Erik:** Actually, I was just working on—

**Raoul:** OH MY GOODNESS!

…

**Erik (**_**irritated**_**):** Yes?

**Raoul:** When I came this morning, there was this huge freakin' mob of phangirls from America. And you'll never guess who was on their shirts—

**Erik:** Who, dare I ask?

**Raoul:** CHRISTINE! With a huge, red X on her face!

**Christine:** WHAT?!?!

**Meg:** Oh, I remember them. Mom was giving them a tour of the building. They called themselves…the Christine Must Die Association.

**Christine:** That's awful!

**Raoul:** Oh, yeah, completely…do you think this pizza doesn't have enough sauce?

**Erik:** Yeah, I noticed that.

**Meg:** But they definitely make up for it in Erik's Italian sausage. (_gives him a look_)

**Erik:** Doesn't get much better than that.

**Christine:** PEOPLE, this is a CRISIS! What are we going to do?!

**Raoul:** Well, the first thing you should do is to quit whining—

He is interrupted when Christine jumps up and starts beating him with the pizza box, shouting all sorts of curses and profanities. Eventually (after he stops laughing), Erik grabs Christine around the waist and pulls her away. Meg is unable to do anything, because she's cracking up.

**Erik:** Everybody CALM DOWN!

**Meg:** I guess it's that time of the month again.

**Raoul:** I don't know, I'm kind of convinced it was the Italian sausage.

Everyone looks at Erik, who is chuckling.

**Erik: **It probably is. You'll never guess what one of the ingredients is—

**Raoul:** I don't care, just never do it again!

Suddenly, without warning, Christine seizes Erik by the collar and kisses him passionately. When she pulls away, her eyes are wild and she laughs maniacally. The room falls silent, (Erik looking quite flushed,) when all of a sudden, Christine jumps into the lake and starts a swim routine.

**Meg:** That was…really weird.

**Raoul:** I didn't know she could swim.

**Erik:** Why don't we stay away from the Italian sausage from now on?

**Meg&Raoul:** Here, here.

Christine runs up into the Lair, gives Erik's mannequin a hug, and then passes out dead on the floor. Erik, Meg, and Raoul all look at each other.

**Meg:** Well, I guess it's time to go.

**Raoul:** Yup, that was fun. We'll just take the gondola…

**Erik:** You do that. I'm off to…compose some more.

Meg and Raoul get into the gondola and pole down the tunnel. Erik stares at Christine for a few moments, then goes into the room with the piano and starts to play. Christine does not stir for another few hours, when she wakes up dazed and wondering where the crap she is, and why Erik clears his throat awkwardly when he sees her.

* * *

And that's chapter one. Review, plz!


	2. A Group Name is Decided Upon

Ok, so...here's the second chapter. It's not quite as long as the first, but...whatever. Enjoy!

* * *

The group is sitting on the couch in the Lair, playing video games on Erik's freakin' huge plasma screen TV that he bought on the Internet.

**Meg:** HA! I WIN AGAIN!

**Raoul:** Are you kidding me?! That was a tie! I should get credit, too!

**Erik:** You were six feet behind her. That didn't even deserve a photo-finish.

**Christine:** Can we play something else now? You guys know I suck at Mario Kart.

**Raoul:** IT WAS A FLIPPIN' TIE!

Raoul jumps up and makes a rude gesture at the TV. Unfortunately, he uses too much force, and the Wii remote is sent flying through the air. They watch as it collides with the TV, and the screen shatters into a bazillion pieces.

**Raoul:** …Oops.

Christine and Meg cover their mouths with their hands to try to muffle their laughter. Raoul looks away to avoid Erik's Death Glare.

**Raoul:** …So, how about that Italian sausage, huh?

**Erik:** YOU BROKE MY F***ING PLASMA SCREEN!

**Christine:** Oh, calm down. You can get another piece of glass for the screen.

**Meg:** Yeah, just, like, chill for a sec, man.

Everyone turns to stare at her.

**Meg:** Sorry.

All is silent, as Erik regains his composure. Raoul cowers behind Christine.

**Christine:** Go away, you wuss.

**Meg:** Hey—you know what we need?

**Christine:** Therapy, followed by a two-month vacation in New Zealand?

**Meg:** No…a group name!

…

**Raoul:** What do we need a group name for?

**Meg:** So when we all meet in Christine's dressing room for Friday Movie Nights, we can be all, "Team Whatever, assemble!"

**Erik:** 'Team Whatever?'

**Meg:** It's the best I could come up with in four seconds!

**Christine:** Well…do you have any ideas?

**Meg:** Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…no.

**Erik:** It should be something with irony.

**Christine:** An ironic group name?

**Erik:** No, I mean it should actually have the word 'irony' in it.

**Raoul:** Why?

**Erik:** Because the four of us are relentlessly plagued by irony.

The four look thoughtfully into the distance, recalling all the ironic things that have ever happened to them. After a moment, they all nod in agreement.

**Meg:** Ok—something with 'irony'. Let's brainstorm, guys!

**Erik:** Taking Meg's original generic idea…Team Irony?

**Christine:** What about, the Irony Squad?

**Raoul:** IRONY FORCE FOUR!

Everyone stares at him.

**Raoul:** Come on, it's catchy. Or, at least it's more interesting than the 'original generic' Team Irony, or the Irony Squad, which is equally as boring.

**Meg:** I hate to say it, but he's got a point. And Irony Force Four isn't so bad.

**Christine:** I guess not…but he didn't have to call our ideas boring. That hurt.

**Raoul:** So it's decided then! Let's try it out. IRONY FORCE FOUR, DISPERSE!

Everyone runs in a random direction.

**Raoul (_in the distance_): **IRONY FORCE FOUR, ASSEMBLE!

Everyone runs back to where they were standing before. Raoul steps on a piece of broken glass and starts jumping around, holding his foot in pain.

**Raoul:** OW!

**Erik:** And that's what you get for breaking my TV.

…

AND THUS, IRONY FORCE FOUR WAS BORN.

* * *

It's true. Feedback! I need more random, crazy ideas from you guys!


	3. Christine Straightens Her Hair

Really short. Kinda filler, actually...then, most of these will be. Oh, well. It's short.

This is just what I think would happen if Christine straightened her hair. You know, cuz it's so...curly. Yup.

* * *

Christine puts the straightener back on the dresser and admires her now straight hair.

**Christine:** Geez, that was hard. Was my hair always that curly? Whatever. I like my new straight hair! Time to go out and show everyone!

The new straight-haired Christine walks into the lobby of the Opera Populaire, where she sees Raoul. Christine smiles and goes to him.

**Christine:** Hey, Raoul! You're here early.

**Raoul (_confused_):** Uhhh…do I know you?

**Christine:** …What? We're, like, best friends! I've known you since we were three! I'm Christine Daae, remember?!

Raoul peers closer, then shakes his head.

**Raoul:** No, you can't be Christine Daae. Christine has curly hair.

Raoul walks away. Christine spreads out her arms and stares after him exasperatedly.

**Christine:** Are you kidding me?!

Christine just stands there for a moment, then decides to go seek out Meg in the dressing rooms. When she spots her, Christine walks over, grinning.

**Christine:** Hi Meg! =D

**Meg:** Hello. Are you new here? I'm Meg…you know my name. How do you know my name?

**Christine:** You're kidding, right?

Meg shakes her head slowly, as if Christine is incompetent. Christine sighs heavily and walks away without another word, not caring to put up with the rest of the conversation.

**Christine (_thinking_):** _Ok, so two of my best friends don't recognize me. Big deal! I'll bet Erik will! Off to the Lair!_

So, she goes through the two-way mirror-panel-door thing, down a few dark passageways, across the lake on the gondola, and right into the Lair, without even bothering to ring the doorbell. But it wouldn't really be a doorbell, would it, considering there's no door. It would just be a bell…but that could mean just any old bell…oh, you know what I mean.

**Christine:** ERIK? YOU HOME?

Erik sprints out of his bedroom to see who's standing there shouting in his Secret Lair at 10 o' clock in the morning. He seems surprised to see Christine, though he doesn't recognize her at first.

**Erik:** Uh…can I help you?

**Christine:** Please, oh please in the name of my dead father who played the violin and told questionable stories about little girls having affairs with angels, please tell me you know who I am?

Erik narrows his eyes and studies her closely. His eyes widen in surprise.

**Erik:** Christine?!

She runs up and hugs him tightly, almost knocking him over.

**Christine:** Oh glory be, I'm not forgotten! I am eternally grateful! THANK YOU SO FREAKIN' MUCH!!

**Erik:** You do realize I have no idea what you're talking about and are considering the fact that you're completely out of your mind, right?

**Christine:** I know. It just feels good to get it out. Now shut up, you're ruining the moment.

She nestles closer into his chest. Erik, still perplexed, pats her back awkwardly.

**Christine:** Hey, you mind if I hang out here for a while? It's pretty lonely up there when no one knows who you are.

**Erik:** Well…*_shrugs_*…sure, I guess. I got my TV fixed, finally.

**Christine:** One more thing…

**Erik:** Mm?

**Christine:** Don't ever let me straighten my hair again. Ever. Seriously.

* * *

And...that's the end. Review! =)


	4. When a Stranger Texts

...Wow. This is way longer than I originally intended. Cool! ;D

Thnx for all the kind reviews! (I'll get right to work on the Paris Idol idea, but I had to upload this and it wasn't working yesterday.)

ON TO THE STORY!

* * *

Erik, Meg, and Christine are people-watching in the lobby of the Opera house when suddenly Raoul runs up to them, waving his cell phone in the air and looking frightened.

**Raoul:** GUYS, WE HAVE A CRISIS!

**Erik:** What is it?

**Raoul:** I just got a random text from someone I don't know! Look!

The three others lean over to inspect the screen of Raoul's cell phone.

**Meg:** "I know where you live." Weird.

**Raoul:** Isn't that creepy?

**Christine:** Raoul, everyone knows you live in a huge mansion 11 miles outside of Paris. There was a whole article on the architecture in the paper yesterday!

**Erik:** Still, you have to admit, it's pretty strange that someone would text that.

**Raoul:** I know, right?! What do I do?!

**Christine:** What's the number?

**Raoul:** Hmm…742-6866.

**Meg:** That's Erik's number!

**Erik:** WHAT?!

Erik feels his pockets for his cell phone, but can't find it.

**Erik:** It's gone!

**Meg:** That's pretty uncanny.

**Christine:** Oh, I'm sure you just forgot to take it with you this morning.

**Erik:** Probably…I'll go and check.

He runs back to the Lair. Christine, Meg, and Raoul are left standing and waiting. After a moment, Raoul starts whistling the Jeopardy theme.

**Meg&Christine:** Shut it!

**Raoul:** Sorry.

Erik comes sprinting back, empty-handed.

**Erik:** Yeah, it's not there. Someone stole it!

**Meg:** I'll try calling your phone with mine. We can probably find it that way.

Meg searches around for her phone. Christine does the same.

**Meg:** It's not there!

**Christine:** Mine, either!

**Raoul (_in an Elmer Fudd voice_):** Something's scwewy awound hewe…

…

**Raoul:** Couldn't resist.

**Meg:** What should we do about the missing phones?

Erik starts to say something, but Raoul's txt tone goes off. Christine peers at the screen.

**Christine:** "It is I who has your friends' phones! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" And it's from…Meg!

**Meg:** What the heck is goin' on?! This is so random!

**Raoul:** Wait, I got another one! It says: "If you ever wish to see their cell phones again, call Christine's number and I will tell you my ultimatum."

**Christine:** I vote we call.

**Erik:** Maybe we should consider this—

**Raoul:** Too late, I'm already dialing!

After dialing Christine's number and putting it on speaker, he shoves his phone at Erik. Erik tries to push it away, but the three others are insistent.

**Christine:** Just take the goddang phone!

**Erik:** Oh, FINE! Hello?

**Creepy Raspy Female Voice:** May I inquire as to whom I am speaking with?

**Erik:** Yes, this is…uh…Erik. Also known as the Phantom of the Opera. I've called to hear your…ultimatum.

The Creepy Raspy Female Voice on the line gives a (very loud) evil laugh. Erik glares at Raoul.

**Creepy Raspy Female Voice:** Eeeeexcellent! Here is my ultimatum: You, Erik, will meet me at the Café de l'Opera just down the block at 8 pm sharp. Dress nicely, and wear that sexy white half-mask of yours. See you tonight!

Another (very loud) evil laugh, and the Creepy Raspy Female Voice hangs up. Raoul, Christine, and Meg are cracking up; so hard, in fact, that not even Erik's infamous Death Glare can make them shut up when he turns it on them.

**Erik:** Will you imbeciles shut your freakin' traps?

**Raoul (_still laughing_):** The—the creepy phone thief wants to—go on a date with you! This is too great!

**Erik:** It is NOT a date, it is merely…negotiations. To get our phones back.

**Christine:** Date.

**Erik:** NEGOTIATIONS and I really think Raoul should go instead, because…he's the only one who has his phone at the moment.

**Meg:** He does have a point.

**Raoul:** Ah, you're just mad 'cause you have a crush on Erik.

**Meg:** WHAT?! Untrue! I just prefer him to you.

**Christine:** Do you smell smoke? 'Cause that was a BURN!

**Erik:** Indeed…what am I supposed to do?

**Christine:** Well, you're going on the date, that's what you're gonna do. I will NOT be parted from my iPhone any longer!

**Meg:** Aren't those supposed to give off a ton of radiation?

**Erik:** I don't know if it's a good idea to go on the da—NEGOTIATIONS like this; we don't even know who the Creepy Raspy Female Voice IS. For all we know…she could be a serial killer, or something.

**Christine:** What are we supposed to do, look up "Creepy Raspy Female Voice" in the phone book? And if she was a serial killer, which I highly doubt, all you have to do is Punjab her!

**Erik:** But—

**Christine:** Erik, you go on this date or the written score of _Don Juan Triumphant _is going to get accidentally shredded!

Erik gasps in horror.

**Erik:** You wouldn't!

**Raoul:** She would. Once, when we were little, I pushed her into the ocean when she was walking along the beach. That night, she gave me a buzz cut when I was asleep. It took me, like, 16 months to grow all that hair back!

**Meg: **Wow, that's a…lovely story, Raoul.

**Christine:** Mhm.

**Erik:** Ok, ok, I'll go on the da—NEGOTIATIONS. But don't expect me to suck up to everything she says.

**Christine:** Oh, yes you will.

…_7:53 pm_…

**Christine:** What do you think, Meg? With or without the cape?

Christine demonstrates with Erik, who is dressed up attractively but still looks miserable.

**Meg:** Hmmm…without. The cape is too…ominous.

**Christine:** Agreed. Ok Erik, you're ready.

**Erik:** This is humiliating…

**Raoul:** It's for the best.

**Christine:** Now listen: You're going on a blind date with a girl who believes she has power—

**Raoul:** Who is possibly a rapist—

**Christine: **Shut it, Raoul!! AS I WAS SAYING, get the phones as quickly as possible and get outta there. Once you acquire the leverage, she has no hold on us. But until then, do whatever she says. Got that?

**Erik:** Yeah, I'll give you a full report as soon as I return from enemy territory…please stop treating this like some kind of military operation!

**Christine:** Fine, because you said please.

**Meg: **And if you ever feel like giving up, keep the objective in mind! Do it for the phones!

**Christine:** Now, go, or you'll be late!

Meg, Raoul, and Christine shove Erik out the front door of the Opera Populaire and down the street toward the Café de l'Opera, ignoring his protests and death threats. He gives them one last look (a Death Glare) before entering the café. Raoul dusts his hands off and crosses them. After a moment of just standing there, Christine turns to him.

**Christine: **'Possibly a rapist'? Was that meant to sound discouraging, or were you just having one of your dumb-blonde moments?

**Raoul:** Well, it's…possible…AND I AM NOT A DUMB BLONDE!

**Meg (_reassuringly_):** Of course not.

She and Christine roll their eyes behind his back.

**Meg:** So…what now?

**Christine:** I don't know. We just wait for Erik to get back.

…

**Raoul:** Want to watch a movie?

**Meg&Christine:** Sure.

…_8:56 pm_…

Erik walks through the open doorway of Christine's dressing room, where Christine, Meg, and Raoul are watching The Blair Witch Project on Raoul's mini portable DVD player.

**Raoul:** Back so soon?

**Meg:** That wasn't even an hour.

**Christine:** Did you get the phones?

Erik pulls a black cloth bag out of his coat and throws it at her. Christine takes out her beloved iPhone and presses it to her cheek.

**Christine:** Oh, how I've missed you!

**Raoul:** I've never seen anyone get so excited about a cell phone before.

**Meg:** So, how was the date?

**Erik:** Eh…typical phangirl scheme to seduce me. Nothing too bad, but it gets tiring.

**Raoul:** How'd you get out so fast?

**Erik:** I pretended I was about to take out my Punjab lasso. She got all freaked out, gave me the bag, and tried to snog me as I got up.

**Meg:** Ah…wanna finish this movie with us?

**Erik:** Sure.

* * *

Review, as always! Also, something funny happened a few days ago: my mom was making some soup or whatever for dinner. I asked what was all in it, and she listed off everything, and one of the things was Italian sausage! I started laughing, and she just gave me a weird look. lol =) (yeah, I didn't have any of that soup for dinner)

P.S. Did anyone notice that Erik's phone number spells out Phantom? Look at your phone, it really does!


End file.
